We called it “Uh-oh ball”.
When you spent a lot of time traveling through small towns, you had to find ways to fend off boredom. After you’d already exhausted the hours of ridiculous road trip conversations like, “what sort of meat would you eat for the rest of your life if you could only pick one?”, we had to find something entertaining to do in the places we’d eventually stop for the night. Places that often had little-to-no internet, and rolled up the sidewalks around 7:30 p.m. There was no other other entertainment, because we’d been hired to come and be the entertainment. We wore out decks of cards, dominoes, and chess boards. I actually used to play championship-level cribbage. No, really. Things got ridiculously, unfathomably, repetitively Bill-Murray-co-piloting-a-truck boring.
Oh, and pork. The answer is absolutely pork.
Uh-oh ball began with a new package of Silly Putty I’d purchased on one of many Groundhog Days. We were at our hotel the night before a show, and I read the books I had, and the TV that was on was not worth the time. I’d formed the Silly Putty into a ball that I was bouncing off the wall behind my bed. My buddy laying on the other bed in the room had just set an empty paper cup on the floor when an errant throw of mine bounced off the wall and straight into the cup. We both said,”OH!” at the top of our lungs and started laughing. I cannot possibly understate how boring these trips were sometimes. We spent the remainder of the evening finding weird spots in the room to place the cup and try and bounce a Silly Putty ball into.
It didn’t become “Uh-oh” ball until the following morning, when we saw the curiosity on the neighbor’s faces about the two guys who had been screaming “OH!” all night long. After something kept thumping the walls. Uh oh.
I was so grateful the NFL broke through the current moment of sports boredom and general need for diversion to give us an utterly unique NFL Draft. It’s exciting as a Broncos fan to have a topic as exciting as the arrival of wide receiver Jerry Jeudy. The Draft also made me freshly realize just how much I am missing the basketball, hockey, and baseball games that should be happening right this moment. I already had the inspiration of the draft, and wondered if something else might “Uh-oh” me into a goofy idea for further entertainment. I was hunting through my email when I came to find another upcoming plum on the docket out there right now, if you’re a fan. The National Theatre is going to be broadcasting its 2011 production of Frankenstein, with Jonny Lee Miller and Benedict Cumberbatch starring. Which one played Dr. Frankenstein and which one played the Monster? That was one of the most clever parts of all. The two exceptional actors swapped roles in unique performances. The National will be broadcasting them both. A pieced-together man played by pieced-together actors. Frankencasting. Genius.
So why not a supplemental Frankensports draft? Does any Denver team have enough talented athletes on it to fill in for another team in a completely different sport? It didn’t take long to figure out there weren’t many ways that would work. For instance, if every guy on the Denver Nuggets just so happened to have also played football in high school or college, there still wouldn’t be enough players to fully fill in for the Broncos starters. Similarly, not many guys who played multiple sports had hockey as a secondary game on their resume. There were a lot of guys who played baseball as a possibility, but mathematically, it was easiest to cull through the largest roster (football) to try and field a team for the smallest (basketball). We’ll call it the Lonnie Wright Frankensports Draft.
Lonnie Wright was a four-sport star from Colorado State University who eventually excelled as a starter for both the AFL Denver Broncos and the Nuggets-precursor ABA Denver Rockets. The season Wright made the leap from football to basketball afforded him a two weeks break before hitting the hardwood, and moving into the starting roster within a couple weeks. Does today’s Broncos roster have five or more players that the Nuggets could suit up and not be any more embarrassed by than the 1997-98 squad? Here’s a few names that might be able to fill in in a pinch, and I’m sure the Broncos would barely even notice they were gone. Koff.
Quinn Bailey, Tackle/Center
The Broncos 6’6″ tackle played a fair bit at center in high school, and even then, at 285 pounds was a real mountain for anyone to move down low. While most NBA centers would have a fair bit of height on Bailey, but at his current 324 pounds, and with his skills bumping guys as an NFL tackle, other centers might find the paint less inviting than they might think. The Broncos will surely miss the young tackle, but… This is Frankensports. They will be able to fill in the gap.
Jeff Heuerman, Tight End/Power Forward
Off, that one stings a little bit for the Broncos. But Heuerman was a four-sport star in High School, with football and basketball the obvious sports because of our list. Jeff was also highly gifted in track and field, and also on the ice. Heuerman was so highly regarded in hockey as to spend a little time investigating the minors. With the solid base his hockey skills provide, and his soft hands to rebound, the 6’5″ Heuerman will play a solid power forward to Bailey’s center. Though his loss will be deeply felt at tight end, at least the Broncos still have…
Noah Fant, Tight End/Small Forward
Damn. Further casualties at the Tight End position for the Broncos due to this imaginary unnecessary exercise. Fant has been a revelation for the Broncos in a few ways, but might have been an even better basketball player in high school than he was a football player. The 6’5″ Fant was key to the Packers basketball team’s march to the state title game. Fant can stretch the floor a little for the other two gents down low. What the Nuggets will need now is a shooter. Someone who played beyond high school and into college. But hopefully no one who might further reduce their ability to have a pass catcher on the field, after losing Heuerman and Fant already.
Courtland Sutton, Wide Receiver/Shooting Guard
Well, now you’ve gone and done it. The Broncos will deeply need Judy to step up if they lose Sutton to Frankensports, but Sutton actually did play collegiate basketball at SMU. Sure, it was literally a cup of coffee, with Sutton scoring three points and pulling down two boards in the four minutes he got to play over the course of three games he appeared in, but play, score, and rebound he did in his freshman year, and Sutton was a very impressive basketball player in the years leading up to college. We’ll sadly co-oopt him as well, and Drew Lock won’t have hardly anyone to throw… to…
Drew Lock, Quarterback/Point Guard
Good grief, talk about decimating the squad. But believe it or not, the quarterback with the feather touch and laser sight was also a hell of a hoops player in his high school days, with scouts remembering him as a guy who was dangerous to pull up and shoot the second he crossed midcourt. Lock was heavily desired by some colleges as a two-sport guy crossing over to the hardwood, but Drew decided to settle in with his main sports squeeze for college. Getting drafted in Frankensports, and with all of his favorite targets to throw to already laid out in front of him, Lock would be a dangerous combo/point guard to round out a starting five that might not thoroughly embarrass the Nuggets to put on the floor.
But no basketball team can play all 48 minute with only five guys, so here’s a couple more to give everyone a breather. At least these won’t be as devastating to the Broncos chances at success.
Philip Lindsay, Running Back/Backup guard
Lindsay hasn’t played on the hardwood since his freshman year in high school, when he lettered in the sport. But any Colorado sports combo has to include the current Mr. Colorado Sports, doesn’t it? Lindsay’s locks were meant to be bouncing up and down a basketball court while terrorizing a whole new opponent at a Mile High.
Shelby Harris, Nose Tackle/Backup Big
It’s odd having Harris as the backup big at only 6’2″, isn’t it? But if you’ve seen him block a kick, you know how high Harris can jump. I’ve yet to verify it, but have seen reports that Harris even claims to have been the all-time blocked shots leader in High School. Maybe someone can verify or blow that up below. But Harris gets a chance to spell the rest of our BronkeNuggets.
That’s the full extent of an overly creative evening watching the NFL Draft, Nuggets Nation. Did I miss anyone on the Broncos who is an even better basketball player? Should I have tried to fill in the Avalanche with Rockies players? Do you have Silly Putty somewhere inside the house?
