Get Well Sorta Soon - Your DNVR doctor's note for the 2024 Summer Olympics

Well, it’s here, and you can feel it… can’t you? A bit of a chill. Or maybe it’s a fever. Whatever it feels like, it’s got you shuddering a little, as the 2024 Paris Olympics has already been sneaking in early contests before its official start tonight on the River Seine. While you can watch the “enhanced” re-coverage this evening, the opening ceremonies actually start at 11:30 Mountain Time Friday morning, and will then have events of all shapes and sizes dotting all hours and channels for the next two and a half weeks.

If you intend to tackle that mountain of content in anything close to real time, you’re going to need a sick note from your doctor that will cover you for a lot longer than one tends to get away with a cough or even jury duty. That’s why your Colorado Sports Cliffs Notes friends at DNVR are here to make sure you can bundle up, snuggle down, and barely get away with the next 18 days of SPORTS about to blast your Olympic-y retinas.

Copy and paste the below, remember to fill in the Mads Libs (TM) portions of the program for yourself, and get ready for 18 days somewhat free of all that pesky work bother.

Dear (your employer name),

I’m regretful to inform you that your employee (your name), has come down with a terrible and very rare case of Observatory Anorexia Athletica (OAA!!!), which affects the central nervous system, and demands copious amounts of rest. It is entirely possible that (your name) will be unable to work for at least two to three weeks while recovering from this horrible disease, which seems to be most virulent every four years.

The best course of treatment involves being bathed in regular and excessive amounts of LED lighting, preferably from a flat screen of 70 diagonal inches or more for best results. Other lighting sources such as LCDs, projections, and even cathode ray tubes have proven to have effectiveness, please allow your employee to experiment with these sorts of exposures until they find the combination that best seems to suit their needs.

OAA!! can be marked by periods of a lack of focus and concentration, and the occasional hurling of epithets or screaming something which seems unrelated to the workplace. Behaviors such as these are perfectly normal for OAA!!! sufferers, a disease which got its name from sufferers observing very near misses in football shootouts. Should you find (your name) staring off into the distance, leaping from their desk chair suddenly, or screaming something akin to “OAA!!!”, do not worry. Just understand that (your name) is still in the midst of their recovery process, and may require more rest and treatment in front of their happy light box.

Sufferers of OAA!!! are often prone to odd sleep schedules and frequent checking of news and information outlets. Those previously trained in binge-watching are particularly susceptible to the perils of OAA!!!, which can affect a person within seconds of exposure. If you are aware of any of your other employees exhibiting similar signs of distress, you could be facing an outbreak, and may want to consider even more drastic containment measures.

To find out more about a free OAA!!! consultation, or to see if OAA!!! treatment would be right for you, consult with your physician, or contact our offices as (your name) did at: 1-800-OAA-AAAA. (extension !!!)

Please be patient with my patient, (your name), as they enter this long and slow recovery period, which we anticipate clearing up quite a little bit by sometime Monday, August 12th.

Signed,

Dr. Olesen Allan Antic

P.S. !!!