FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
May 30, 2025

Historically worst Rockies Unveil “Roxwurst” sausage at Coors Field

An Imaginary and Snark-Filled Sausage Priced Just Right for Frustrated Fans

DENVER, CO — In what can only be described as an inspired act of culinary gallows humor, the MLB-worst Colorado Rockies are announcing the launch of the Roxwurst, a brand-new ballpark sausage that “celebrates” the team’s historically tragic start and record-setting 21-series losing streak. The Roxwurst is priced at a wallet-friendly $9.47 for their 9-47 record – and should soon be priced at $9.48. And then $9.49… “We don’t anticipate it going over ten bucks anytime soon,” promises team spokesperson Patty Pessimist. At that price, the Roxwurst seems destined to become the most delicious lowlight in franchise history.

“We may not be winning many games, but we’re sure getting some attention,” said Chef Hugo Halfhearted, the Rockies’ newly appointed Director of Culinary Optimism. “The Roxwurst is made with 100% chicken hearts, because they’re just as tender as our bullpen after a couple innings.”

The Roxwurst is served on a bun softer than the Rockies’ defense and smothered in “Not So Hot” Mustard—a tangy, unmemorable sauce whose flavor still somehow lingers longer than a 21-0 Padres drubbing. Recognizing their place in the record books, the Rockies refuse to let those single-digit wins go to waste, instead preferring they go to your waist:

By and buy the Numbers

• 9.47 – The price, in dollars, of each Roxwurst, matching exactly the wins and losses on the Rockies’ ledger.
• 21 – The record-setting number of consecutive series lost, now memorialized as the optional Roxwurst Redemption Pack—available only for groups of 21 or more fans on The Rooftop. Because why not turn misery into indigestion with a view?

“We wanted to turn our unprecedented losing stretch into something fans can stomach,” explains Rockies Wurst Ambassador Hans Heimlich. “If we can’t win on the field, we can at least win at the concession stand.”

Fabulous (and Fake) Fan Testimonials

“I’ve never tasted anything quite like it,” admits Wally Whataloss, a lifelong season-ticket holder. “It’s salty, it’s sour, it’s even a little bitter… it’s everything I feel when the Rockies give up another close game.”

“The hardest part wasn’t chewing the sausage,” says Debra Despair, “it was chewing on another blown lead.”

“I came for the game,” confesses Stan Suckerpunch, “but I stayed for the chicken hearts.”

Each testimonial is as (chicken)heartfelt—and as empty— as the Rockies’ offense this season.

Roxwurst Redemption Pack

For larger groups seeking camaraderie in calamity, the Roxwurst Redemption Pack offers:

• 21 Roxwursts for $198.87. No savings, just bulk.
• A commemorative “21-Series Skid” stadium cup, available until it’s 22 series.
• A group photo under the “Loss Totem” scoreboard (complimentary rally caps included, but wholly ineffectual)
• A private Coors Field tour with a Rockies guide who will, sadly, probably call the visiting clubhouse “The Winner’s Lounge”.

Limited Time Offer

• Available until the Rockies finally win a series—or until they lose 100 games because, “we can’t price it past that .99 on the end”, whichever comes first.

About the Colorado Rockies
The Colorado Rockies are reaching historic new lows so they can come back swinging—eventually. While the team is in the midst of the worst start in MLB history, they remain committed to offering fans an experience that’s… unforgettable. Even if that experience is just the wurst.

Media Contact:
Irene Indigestion
Director of Imaginary Food Concepts, Colorado Rockies
indigestion@rockies.com | (303) BE-FRANK

Disclaimer: This is a satirical promotion. The Roxwurst will not actually cure losing, nor does it actually exist, but it will at least give you something to chew on. If you’re going to spend good money on the worst, why not try a wurst?