All in my head

Is it all in my head?
Could everything be all right without me knowing?
Is it all just some game?
Where everything stays the same?
Is it all in my head?

– Shawn Mullins

The first time I considered taking my own life, I found myself at the bottom of a year-long spiral of depression, issues, and loss. I’d tried to soothe the pain with everything from fast food to very bad habits, and nothing was coming close to pulling me out of my hole. It finally got to a point where all I could really think about was not hurting any more. Fortunately, some good and close friends saw where I was at, and made sure to get me some help.

The only other time that feeling came back, the story was almost exactly the same. While I tell myself I’ll never be back in that place again, I know I’ll never be able to fully make myself that promise after having been there twice. I just try to make sure that I keep myself on the happier side of most equations, and try to do a better job of leaning into those around me who help, support, and buoy me. I am beyond grateful for their support, and empathetic to those who find themselves in a similar spot. I have so many great and amazing things in my life, and I am so wildly blessed, that it’s often hard for me to believe I could have ever gotten there. Sometimes it’s hard to believe or understand that people who seem to have most everything in the world can still be in such a dark and self-defeating place.

When Richard Sherman had a very public meltdown this week, there was breadth of responses ranging from disgust to hilarity to concern. But amidst all of the vagaries of the stories to be found, one of the constants amongst the reporting was that, at least in the moment, he was considering taking his own life. While there is a lot of this story still to unfold, one thing is very clear. Sherman will need some emotional support and counsel as he moves forward.

Sherman is not alone in the list of athletes at the top of their game who have battled depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. While it seems antithetical that such things could happen to someone who would need to have so much self-belief as to get to the apex of their sport, the pernicious and ugly ways depression can wend its way into your mind can strike any human. Anywhere.

NFL legend and champion Terry Bradshaw has been very open about his lifelong battles with depression. Even when at the top of his profession, Bradshaw spent much of his time drinking his blues away, pouring a depressant on top of a life that was already surprisingly blue. It was only when Terry finally moved away from the booze and towards antidepressants that his life fully changed for the better.

As one of the greatest players to ever step on a tennis court, Serena Williams has 39 Grand Slam titles and some of the most epic wins in professional tennis’ history. The former world number one player has also made a platform for herself speaking about the perils and truths of depression and post-partum depression. She is a vocal and thoughtful proponent for those in trouble, providing so many with words and space to know they are not alone in their battles with the depths.

Fellow tennis star Naomi Osaka made headlines a few years back at the French Open for refusing to participate in a post-match press conference, eventually withdrawing from the tournament entirely, citing anxiety, depression, and her mental health as reasons for the withdrawal. In the firestorm that followed, Osaka became a firebrand for metal health, especially in professional sports amidst the pressures and circumstances an athlete faces.

Superstar U.S. Olympians Lindsey Vonn, Aly Raisman, and Michael Phelps have all been candid about their battles with depression, with Vonn suffering for nearly two decades before addressing her battles, Raisman suffering from PTSD after years of abuse in the USA Gymnastic system, and Phelps openly admitting to depression and thoughts of suicide along his bumpy path to and from and back to the top. All of them at the apogee of their career, achieving their dreams, and battling the demons that stole most all of the joys of those realizations.

It’s easier sometimes to understand the pains and tribulations of someone at the bottom of everything. Someone without money, friends, or much of any of the sunshine or happiness that comes with fame, fortune, and fabulousness. But no matter what rung of the totem pole you find yourself on, there are those at every height that are battling issues that bring them to their knees. If by some chance you are struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, know you are not as alone as you feel, that there is someone out there who loves you, will hear you, and wants to talk. Hell, if you need to, make a comment at the bottom here just saying hi. I’d love to connect. If you cannot think of or find that person or space, and it’s that bad, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline would love to hear what you have to say, and are standing by at 800-273-8255.

Look for that sunshine, DNVR faithful. In sports, in your family, your friendships, your surroundings, your beliefs. It’s somewhere inside every moment, no matter how dark they may seem. Have a beautiful weekend, and spread some of that love to the person across from you, too. You never know how blue they may be.