Denver — BREAKING NEWS: According to national and local reports, Colorado Rockies rookie phenom Trevor Story is, in fact, a human baseball player and not a product of the local genetic engineering plant. Despite the fact that Story was on pace to hit 189 home runs in 2016 after the first week of the season — which would break Barry Bonds’ record of 73 set in 2001 — the 23-year old shortstop likely will not continue to hit baseballs out of the park at that rate.
This news comes as a blow to so many clearly naive Rockies fans who erroneously believed Story to be the hero Rockies fans deserved and also the one they needed right now. Tulo never hit 189 homers!
After Story’s coming out party in Arizona on April 4, when he hit two home runs off of Zack Greinke, fans took to Twitter with their excitement:
Are we sure that Trevor Story is real and that he's not someone's Road to the Show player?
— Zack (@zackdecodes) April 7, 2016
https://twitter.com/CamRoberts17/status/718119291674103808
https://twitter.com/Bass5Jared/status/718101306901135360
Rockies record: 162-0
President of the United States: Nolan Arenado
Pope: Carlos Gonzalez
God: Trevor Story https://t.co/zbp7Q2E1B1— RK (@RyanKoenigsberg) April 4, 2016
Unfortunately for these folks, one of the little-known unwritten rules of Major League Baseball is this: fans of the Colorado Rockies shall never be allowed to have fun or be excited about their ballclub. All too often, Rockies fans fail to remember this rule and allow themselves to get excited online. Especially in April.
If it wasn’t for the heroics of the national media, this problem might have continued unabated. Among others, writers like Keith Law and Dan Szymborski were quick to quell the uprising of happy Rockies fans and enforce an ever-important unwritten rule.
Amusingly, if not for his conduct, the Rockies would have happily gone into the season with the mediocre expensive Jose Reyes starting.
— Dan Szymborski (@DSzymborski) April 11, 2016
Keith Law says you can beat Trevor Story with breaking stuff low and away. So he has seen at least one baseball game before.
— DNVR Rockies (@DNVR_Rockies) April 11, 2016
With so much success in the realm of football, coming off a big Super Bowl win for the Denver Broncos, Colorado sports fans have forgotten that there are 162 games in the season, and having fun during the first 20 is expressly forbidden according to the big book of unwritten baseball rules. The words “sample size” have been written hundreds, if not thousands, of times throughout this first month of baseball to inform happy fans that they are not allowed to be happy about early results. After all, at 20th and Blake, April happiness always brings May and June sadness. And happiness is never good if followed by sadness.
Despite the fact that there hasn’t been much for Rockies fans to cheer about over the past six years, the unwritten rules of baseball are absolute and unwavering.
While Trevor Story has had an exciting start to the season, Rockies fans should be sure to keep their own excitement in check. He’s only a human being after all. And you can’t appreciate human accomplishment without deifying that human. As with most things in life, there are only two choices and enjoying Story’s start is clearly the misguided and wrong one.
Additionally, if Story never hits another home run in the big leagues, you all will feel bad for ever having enjoyed it in the first place. It will basically be your fault for making him believe he was better than he is.
So, for future reference, if something good happens to the Rockies on a baseball field and it makes you happy, be sure to shove it down as deeply as possible. Showing joy is evidence of bias and homerism and the powers that be will remind you of this online. Your happiness is an affront to the Gods of Baseball. It has been decreed. Any attempt to have fun shall be met with mockery and a reminder of the meaninglessness of your fan existence. Just like bat flips and fist pumps, you aren’t allowed to enjoy Trevor Story.
