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Put on your tinfoil hats, Broncos Country, here come the John Elway conspiracy theories

Ian St. Clair Avatar
November 21, 2015

 

John Elway told the Denver Broncos defense to injure Peyton Manning in practice because Elway is jealous of Tim Tebow.

I’m not saying there’s proof it happened, but there’s no explanation for it that suits my argument so I’m running with it.

Elway, apparently, doesn’t want to win and sabotaged Manning from the word go. He fired John Fox, hired Gary Kubiak knowing they would clash and Manning would struggle, which is what Elway wanted because he really, really didn’t want him back. Elway didn’t upgrade Denver’s offensive line. He let Julius Thomas and Wes Welker leave in free agency. Oh, and now since Manning and DeMarcus Ware aren’t traveling to Chicago, that seals the deal. Elway wants Manning to fail and the Broncos not to win.

This is the same Elway who sacrificed his well being to win a Super Bowl. The same guy who gets ticked off if he loses in Chinese checkers and who played for an owner who believed not getting a championship equaled failure. The same owner who is now in the battle of his life and could be involved in his last run at a Lombardi Trophy? Really?

What makes a good conspiracy theory is the level of absurdity. The more absurd, the better. It’s also the cry of desperate fools in need of attention, clicks and ratings.

So put on your tinfoil hats, Broncos Country. Here are the conspiracy theories hot off the presses … or the Internet, same difference.

John Elway conspiracy theories

Elway forced Matt Lepsis to take out Terrell Davis so Davis couldn’t take Elway’s spot as the greatest Broncos player ever. There’s no explanation for it so has to be true, right?

Elway lost those three Super Bowls to get Dan Reeves fired.

Elway told Mike Shanahan to bench Jake Plummer for Jay Cutler (just as he did with Manning) and then told Josh McDaniels to trade Cutler to the Bears for Kyle Orton. Though it hasn’t happened yet, Elway will trade Brock Osweiler in three years for Alex Smith. He did all of this because he didn’t want Plummer to come close to any of his passing records. He traded Cutler for the same selfish reason and will do so again in three years with Osweiler. Starting to see a trend with the three years thing? There’s no explanation for it, so it has to be true.

Elway injured and took himself out of the 1991 AFC Championship game in Buffalo because he wanted Jim Kelly to win the game and go to the Super Bowl.

Elway lost those three Super Bowls because he didn’t want people to think he was too good. He wanted to keep the discussion somewhat fair. That leads to the next one.

Elway told Drew Bledsoe to get hurt so Tom Brady could play against the Pittsburgh Steelers. The rest is history, all because of Elway.

Elway made sure no receivers, tight ends or running backs who were any good ever signed to play for the Miami Dolphins so Dan Marino could never win a Super Bowl.

Elway told the 1998 Minnesota Vikings to lose to the Atlanta Falcons so he could beat Reeves in a Super Bowl.

Elway is responsible for Andrew Luck‘s horrendous play this season for the Indianapolis Colts, and Elway is why Luck’s injured, so Luck won’t re-sign with the team and the two Stanford greats will be united in Denver. But after three seasons, Elway will sabotage Luck just as he did with Manning. See what I did with the three years thing again? It’s the new Agenda 21.

Elway actually likes Drew Soicher, which explains why Soicher is still at 9News.

Elway is actually to blame for Fox taking a knee in the loss to the Baltimore Ravens in the playoffs. Elway didn’t want Manning to have a memorable game-winning drive that was in the discussion with The Drive or Drive II.

But it goes beyond football. The power Elway possesses is matched by no man or woman.

Elway is why Troy Tulowitzki can’t stay healthy. Or Carlos Gonzalez.

Elway is behind Ray Bourque only winning one Stanley Cup with the Colorado Avalanche. The one he did win was more than enough, Elway wanted no part of Bourque raining on his back-to-back parade to end a career.

Elway told Mike Tyson to bite Evander Holyfield’s ear.

The infamous Bill Buckner ground ball through his legs? That was Elway’s doing because he wanted someone else to become the poster child for choking in the 1980s.

Elway’s power even reaches into entertainment and politics.

Elway brainwashed Oscars voters last year into thinking “Birdman” was the best movie of all time. How else can you explain that awful flick winning the Academy Award?

Elway also sabotaged the 2000 presidential election. He didn’t want either person to win, he just wanted to screw with it.

Not a single person can prove whether any of these events didn’t happen. They sure can’t explain them to fit the argument, so it proves they’re true.

My advice? Go put your tinfoil hats on and ignore these hot takes. If Elway allows you to.

 

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