Just My Take: Who to root for in the Super Bowl when you just don’t care

I’ve written this piece for eight years now and it’s only the second time I’ve gotten to include the Broncos. And if you’re on the fence about who to root for because you’re a transplant to Colorado and your loser team from whatever loser town you’re from isn’t in the Super Bowl, this handy guide will help you figure out. But really, if you live in Colorado and you haven’t figured it out already, you should probably drive that Subaru off the nearest mountain because the Denver Broncos are a religion in Colorado and this is one situation where you need to get right with the Lord (John Elway).

Enemies of the Broncos

Usually this topic is reserved for which team to root for when the Broncos aren’t playing. If it was the Pats playing, you’d certainly be rooting for the Panthers. But since it’s not, the Panthers are enemy number one. It is kind of hard to hate the Panthers though. Like the Broncos, Carolina is a very good team that survived John Fox to reach a zenith in the NFL. Still, with all of its success this year, Sunday is when we want the Panthers to finally fall off. They aren’t totally hate-able, but in this case the Panthers are the ultimate enemy of the Broncos.

Advantage: Broncos

The Locations

I think I’ve been to North Carolina once and it was fine. Seemed like a decent place but compared to the beauty and wonder of legalized weed and craft beer that is Colorado, the Carolinas look like a backwater Mayberry in comparison. Are they knocking down every building in sight to build huge condos with yoga studios in the ground floor in Charlotte? No, they are not and there’s a reason why: The Carolinas suck and Denver rules.

Advantage: Broncos

The Fans

Well considering I’m not sure there are enough Panthers fans to fill its stadium, I’m pretty certain the rest of the country is fairly devoid of them as well. Yes, there are a lot of Cam Newton fans but not many NFL fan bases compare to that of Broncos Country. Not just confined to the borders of Colorado, Broncos fans span the globe and they are just as ravenous in Dublin as they are in Denver. And while Broncos fans have known the sweet embrace of winning and the bitter taste of defeat all too well, Panthers fans are only a little familiar with it after its loss in Super Bowl XXXVIII where the Pats probably cheated. Don’t forget that Broncos fans are good looking and fit unlike Panthers fans who are handsomely challenged and upset the Super Bowl is interfering with watching cars go around in a circle.

Advantage: Broncos

The Uniforms

I like the color schemed used by the Panthers, but my god is that logo terrible. It’s a panther yes, but it looks like it was selected from a junior high logo contest, held in the 90’s and then re-envisioned by a coked out graphic designer producing one of the more dated logos in all of sports. The only thing worse is the Patriots logo and I think that one won first place in the same contest. The Broncos on the other hand, have a logo designed around the same time that still holds up and the team will look sleek in their white jerseys with the dark blue and orange accents. It’s a now classic look and will look great on Peyton Manning at that podium accepting the Lombardi trophy.

Advantage: Broncos

The Coaches

“River Boat” Ron Rivera played for the 85 Bears, was a defensive coordinator for the Chargers when they were good and survived a few lean years in Carolina before getting his team to the promised land of the Super Bowl. But Gary Kubiak played for the Broncos, won Super Bowls as an assistant and is now on the cusp of winning one as head coach. He not only survived a health scare while coach of the Texans, he survived being the coach of the Texans. Kubiak is a Bronco through and through and it will be great to see him win it all.

Advantage: Broncos

The Quarterbacks

Well this should be easy. Are you racist? Then you love Peyton Manning. If you’re a forward thinking lover of all humankind, then you’re obviously a Cam Newton fan. I’m kidding of course…kind of. This is a tough one because based solely on their football playing abilities, it’s hard not to like Cam Newton. He’s huge and fast and is a force of nature on the football field. But Peyton Manning is the living legend and in what will probably be his last game, it’s hard to not root for the ol’ Sherriff to get one more victory.

Advantage: Broncos

Half Time Show

Of all the garbage one has to sit through while watching NFL football, the Super Bowl Halftime Show has to be the smelliest, most-foul garbage of all time. These shows are an insult to all that is decent in the world because of the odd and misguided insistence that these acts are what people want to see. I’m not sure if there will ever be a consensus as to what the American public would like to see, but I can guarantee you Coldplay doesn’t grace any of those lists. Coldplay is about as relevant as a flip phone because that’s what I had when they were last popular. There wasn’t a single person who stood up and said “You know what the Super Bowl Halftime Show needs? Some Coldplay.” Not even members of the band’s families want to see them play. I would rather spend this half hour of my life cleaning out the gnarliest litter box than sit through one second of this atrocity.

Advantage: No one. We all lose

The Narrative

Peyton’s last rodeo. This one’s for Pat. Forget everything else, these are the important stories coming out of this Super Bowl. Newton’s first Super Bowl will certainly not be his last. He’s super talented and he should be a contender for a long time. But other than that, his story isn’t too compelling other than the ongoing debate whether someone who criticizes him is racist. No, Peyton’s last game is the driving narrative here and even though he hasn’t admitted it publicly, we all know this is probably it. And the fact that he can go out on top, like his boss John Elway, is such a fascinating storyline that even if Josh Norman gets busted with hookers the night before the game, it won’t derail the hopefully fairytale ending for PFM. And if the Broncos can get one more Super Bowl for owner Pat Bowlen as he succumbs to Alzheimer’s, it should be a tearful celebration for all concerned.

Advantage: Broncos

So there you have it. The stars are aligning for the Broncos to win Super Bowl 50 and for Manning to ride off into the sunset with his legacy carved in granite. If the Broncos play their best game of the season offensively and the defense keeps doing its spectacular job, Denver wins 20-17. Go Broncos.