Just My Take: Broncos neighborhood power rankings

With the start of Denver Broncos training camp just days away, folks are clamoring for the death of summer and football season to be reborn. And since there are no greater fans than those of the Denver Broncos, it seems only appropriate that we rank them…by neighborhood. So before we plunge off the cliff that is the NFL season, I give you that divine pecking order with a Denver Broncos fans neighborhood power rankings.

10. Cherry Creek

Most of these “fans” are like that commercial where the rich people are taking a car to drive 10 feet to board a private jet to go to a basketball game and the girl jubilantly yells “sports!” They don’t know what’s going on in the sports world: they’re too busy sitting at the Starbucks off of Fillmore, pretending to work while their bank accounts overflow. They’ll come to your Super Bowl party but they are deftly afraid you’ll ask them what you thought of the Broncos offensive line play this season. The most phony politician is more sincere about your favorite sports team.

9. Boulder

Comprised of east coast dullards attending college and people obsessed with the awful CU Buffs, Boulder is a wasteland of Broncos support. I wouldn’t be surprised if in the future they banned football games due to its patriarchal, institutional violence. If a big rock, a boulder if you will, rolled over the city and everyone died, the rest of Colorado wouldn’t skip a beat. Good riddance Boulder, you suck.

8. Stapleton

It’s amazing so many sensitive, mid-western d-bags moved to this area with all that jet fuel from the old airport polluting the water table. They encase their kids in bubble wrap to play in their newly minted parks and hope the undesirables from the nearby crappy neighborhoods don’t wander over like stray walkers from the Walking Dead. Stapleton is a Kansas stronghold full of Chiefs and Jayhawks fans, and the only reason they don’t get a big fat zero on the neighborhood power rankings is because Boulder and Cherry Creek are worse. Stapleton doesn’t get a big fat zero, but it gets a big fat middle finger from the rest of Broncos Country.

7. Fort Collins/Greeley

Too stoned, too far away and too drunk on craft beer to care about the Broncos. And Greeley is a North Korea-esque Monfort Zone where only the Rockies exist. These folks are just getting word that Todd Helton retired, so we have to cut them a little slack.

6. LoHi, HiHi, and anywhere else known as the “Highlands”

It’s ironic because of its proximity to the stadium, but any Bronco fans from the days of yore have been driven out by yuppies from Chicago who only like sports when their team is contending for a title. Otherwise they are blindly rooting for college football teams no one here gives a damn about. And if they ever traveled down Federal on a Sunday, they’d be upset by the mystery traffic that was keeping them from their Crossfit class. Boo Highlands, boooooooo.

5. Downtown Denver and surrounding neighborhoods

Once a bastion of artists, musicians and hipsters, neighborhoods like Capitol Hill are now the land of extremely overpriced “condos” with roach problems and no parking. They haven’t figured out how to cram an obnoxious sports bar in between two apartment buildings from the 1920’s yet so this is kind of a dead zone for Broncos fever. Still better than Stapleton though.

4. Aurora

Generally a Broncos stronghold, but it takes a hit because the Raiders are well represented on the mean streets of Aurora. In fact, a lot of other team’s logos can be seen on east Colfax if you travel it enough, but this might be more of a fashion statement of the slow-witted than it is team allegiance. This part of town gets a nod toward Broncos fan respectability but as an area that has become so diverse with people from all over living there (except white people from Chicago), Aurora’s Broncos allegiance is slowly eroding.

3. Highlands Ranch/Littleton

“Guns, God and the Denver Broncos” is the slogan on the sign that welcomes you to Highlands Ranch. These honkies love them some Broncos and it’s no wonder: they are the children of the Bronco fans of yesteryear who moved from a more central location in Denver for the quiet and “no-so-ethnic” climes of Highlands Ranch. They love their Broncos down there and even with the influx of transplants from Michigan wishing for that same quiet lifestyle, the Broncos prevail.

2. West Denver/Lakewood/Arvada

This has always been a stronghold of Broncos pride and with the proximity to the stadium, Broncos Country is in their back yard. But if you drive west on Colfax, you’ll see a lot of Raiders gear so points are unfortunately deducted for every one of these treasonous acts. But the Broncos love is strong here and with Colorado mainstay Casa Bonita just down the road, it’s why this area has risen so high in the rankings.

1. Northglenn/Thornton/Westminster area

Sure it’s the land of jorts and camouflage baseball hats worn un-ironically, but it’s also home to the most diehard Broncos fans. They may not have many teeth up there, but they love the Broncos the most. Transplants don’t want to live here so you have generations of Broncos fans setting up shop and parking boats on their front lawns with the familiar horse logo adorning the sides. Year after year, this is the area of town you will see the most orange and blue and is why they take the number one spot.