Just my take: Advertising during NFL games is relentless

The NFL doesn’t make its money selling you Bud Light at the stadium. It makes its money selling you Bud Light while you’re sitting at home. Advertising during NFL games is relentless and most times we don’t even notice what’s being beamed into our skulls. So let’s break down what you may have missed if you watch games on Red Zone and you don’t see commercials while trying to figure out when to go pee.

The Adidas “New Speed Mixtape” commercial shows young, African American athletes (including Demarco Murray, Jimmy Graham and Sammy Watkins) complete feats of skill and celebrate with their teammates in ways that make 50 year old white guys cringe. And that’s what I want to see. The next version of the commercial should be like those fan reaction videos, but it just shows old white guys getting confused and angry by it. Fair and balanced, just like the shoes.

Geico uses Europe’s “The Final Countdown,” a stellar jock jam in its own right, to sell whatever it is Geico sells. In it, a band that I’m pretty sure is Europe does the honor of singing its own hit. Should we be happy Europe is getting a gig or sad that they’ve been reduced to playing 10 seconds of their hit in a Geico ad? Yes.

McDonalds commercials are on constantly during NFL games because like most drug dealers, they always want to stay on your mind in case you decide to do something stupid. The commercials try to make you feel warm and nostalgic by showing a husband buy his wife a McMuffin as she works the morning shift at the toll booth. But instead of the love she feels for her husband, she’ll only remember the indigestion as she struggles through an eight hour shift trying not to throw up.

And then there’s Subway. Subway is that friend who owes you $200 and every time you see him, he plays it cool, never bringing up any money owed. Subway is acting like we forgot about Jared. And to help, they’ve whittled down the amount of celebrities that do ads for them. No sense in having RG3 immediately make you think of poor QB play and Jared’s extracurricular transgressions. Clayton Kershaw? I don’t think of no-hitters, I think of Jared being led away in cuffs. We’re not buying it. Here’s a new slogan for the sandwich chain: Subway – Please don’t think of yoga mats and child molesters when you see our logo.

The Martian is a Matt Damon movie that is constantly advertised during NFL games and I’m assuming everywhere else. And just like the Mt. Everest movie that’s also running ads during games, if I want to go and watch people suffer in a horrible environment, I’ll go see a Browns game in Cleveland.

Just a note after watching commercials for the regular programming on the various networks that show NFL games: I salute anyone who can watch these horrible shows. They look like parodies of what we’d watch in a future society where we’ve lost all hope. The Voice is what I’d make political prisoners watch.

Vin Diesel is the Last Witch Hunter but the hunt for one more paycheck goes on. Meat head car racer? Yep. Mythical witch hunter? No. In a special deleted scene you can hear him ask if the check has cleared yet.

What about these Corona ads where the cans of beer show up in bottles floating in the ocean? Where does all of the broken glass go when they get the beer out? Seems pretty wasteful and dangerous to me. Just like drinking Corona.

Again if you’re eating pulled pork from Wendy’s, you deserve all of the diarrhea coming your way.

And speaking of diarrhea, Dairy Queen has always been known for its top shelf ice cream treats. But they’ve been hammering home the point that they now sell sandwiches. And like Wendy’s, if you’re eating sandwiches there, not only do you deserve the intestinal discomfort but you should be studied as to why this advertising worked on you in the first place. You’re a modern oddity and worth millions.

Finally, the latest Peyton Manning, Nationwide ad is pretty good. But because of his hot and cold play this year, they really should only run this after he wins or after he throws a TD. They showed it right after he threw a pick 6 in the first game and it didn’t help Nationwide’s brand at all. But it’s a pretty good ad and the best part? Every time Peyton slaps the top of his bobblehead, you can hear 9News’ Drew Soicher moan with pleasure no matter where you are in Denver.