Follow these simple rules to survive in Denver Sports Talk Radio

So you want to be sports talk radio host? Denver offers plenty of opportunities in the sports talk industry but, unless you purchase air time at a brokered station like Mile High Sports, you’re going to need to work your way to the top to be on air. That means sweeping floors and operating the board until a programmer finally gives you a shot at a show of your own. And, once you get that show of your own you’re not going to want to lose it. Here are a few simple rules of the road for hosts who want to succeed long term in the Denver market.

It’s not the NFL. It’s the National…….Football…….League.

Any casual no-nothing imbecile can pronounce three stupid letters. As a professional media personality you have a lot of air-time to fill. Abbreviations don’t get it done, Charlie. It’s imperative that you make yourself sound like a real pro by slowly and deliberately delivering each syllable in the phrase NAT…ION…AL…FOOT….BALLL….LEAGUE, placing emphasis enough on on each to impart to your listeners the gravitas the organization wields.

Don’t say “quarterback”. Say “the quarterback position”

As with rule number one, rule number two is all about filling the air with as many unnecessary syllables as possible while also making yourself sound really fucking smart. Which sounds more badass: “he plays quarterback in the NFL” or “he plays the quarterback position in the National Football League”? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Instead of the name of a player, refer to that player as “AN” whatever his name is.

This might be the most important rule of all those discussed in this article. You won’t sound like a real professional unless you speak as though individual players are one of several of themselves. Here’s an example of what I am talking about: don’t say “the Broncos should look into signing a running back like Alfred Morris” say “The Broncos should look into signing a running back like an Alfred Morris” as though there are a bunch of Alfred Morrises out there to choose from.

Don’t refer to them as players, refer to them as “pieces”.

You can’t speak like a professional sports radio dude and recognize athletes as actual humans at the same time. You don’t want to say “the Broncos need a few players on the offensive line”. You DO want to say “the Broncos need some pieces along the offensive line”. You don’t want to say “CJ Anderson is a good player”. You DO want to say “CJ Anderson is a nice PIECE” because that’s all they are to you – pieces – objects – which are replaceable and certainly less than human.

Combine those last two rules.

Here’s an example of the super-professional sounding result of combining those last two rules: “The Broncos could really use another piece along the offensive line like a Laremy Tunsil or an Alex Lewis”

Learn how to ask some mortgage broker the same bullshit question differently every day

Sponsors pay the bills in radio and in sports talk radio one of those sponsors is going to be some mortgage broker. The thing about mortgage brokers is that they think too highly of themselves just to record commercials and call it good. You’re going to have to interview them…every single day. As a professional sports talk radio host your job will be to ask the dick-swinging wannabe radio douche the same bullshit question everyday. Here are a couple examples: “Brent, tell me why folks considering a newly constructed home should call you today?” And “Brent, say I were considering the purchase of a newly constructed home, would I want to call you today?” The idea is to phrase the bullshit question a little bit differently than you did the day before then sit back and let the idiot spew his garbage.

Subtly imply that your co-host might be homosexual

We may live in an ever-inclusive society but you’re still in sports talk radio and that means that regardless of the direction culture is moving in you are still essentially a high school jock. Like most high school jocks you have to act like you’re terrified of homos. Every now and then you must lock onto something your co-host did or said that was less than super manly and subtly imply that he may be “light in the loafers”. Did he attend a ballet recital? Wear a pink shirt? Cry at a movie? Call that homo out – but subtly. You’re a pro after all.

Pretend that the Rockies, Avalanche and Nuggets don’t exist.

Winter, summer, spring and fall there is only one sport in Denver – at least as far as sports talk radio is concerned – and that’s football – ESPECIALLY now that the Broncos have won the Super Bowl. Discussing any other sport is totally off-limits. UNLESS ….

If the Rockies, Avalanche or Nuggets are in the playoffs pretend that you were on board all along.

In the rare instance that any local team besides the Broncos happens to earn a post-season berth it’s imperative that you instantly become the area’s foremost expert on that team. Act like you have been to every game all season and that you’re totally down with all the coaches and assistants and stuff.