Colorado Avalanche Mailbag: John Tortorella, planets, and Goofy

Good morning everybody! After traveling all up and down the southeastern and now southwestern coasts of New Zealand for the holidays, I’ve returned to my post at the BSN Mailbag to answer all the questions you were too afraid to ask AJ. (Thanks again AJ for filling in while I was away!)

As usual, we had an entertaining assortment of questions lined up. Let’s get to it.

If Patrick Roy was a planet, which one would he be and why? – @Malihoo29

It might be tempting to take the easy road and select a planet like Mars or Jupiter to represent the Avalanche head coach. After all, Roy has a reputation in the national media as something of a hothead and Mars and Jupiter are classic “angry dude” planets due to their mythological namesakes. However, I have a more exotic option.

In my opinion, if Patrick Roy were a planet, he’d be a star. Specifically, a star labeled KIC 8462852 which was discovered recently by NASA’s Kepler Space Telescope.

Astronomers say of the star:

“Over the duration of the Kepler mission, KIC 8462852 was observed to undergo irregularly shaped, aperiodic dips in flux down to below the 20 percent level.”

Irregularly shaped dips followed by periods of brightness sounds like Roy’s tenure with the Avalanche to me.

Looking at how John Tortorella is working out for the Columbus Blue Jackets, do you think the Avs dodged a bullet not acquiring him? – Drew via Facebook

I feel like one can’t really dodge a bullet that was never fired in the first place. I don’t think the Avs had any interest in Tortorella at all, so I don’t feel any great relief that they didn’t hire him. For all the flak (some deserved and some less so) Roy has received this season, he has made adaptations and corrections to some of the biggest issues facing the team. I don’t think he was seriously on the chopping block. And even if he were, I don’t think the Avs were looking into Tortorella as a replacement.

Where do our souls go when we die? – @mckinley06

Well according to Micah Blake McCurdy from the inimitable HockeyViz.com, they go to Pittsburgh.

But what if we’ve been good, Micah?

If Pluto is a dog, what’s Goofy? – @Kahuna_2010

Goofy is a man filtered through the lens of a dog. Goofy is the anthropomorphic imagining of a human from a dog’s POV, much like the Street Sharks were humans’ ideas of anthropomorphisized sharks. A dog’s imagining of a man may or may not engage in 100% wholly realistic man behavior. Just like the Street Sharks.

Goofy, as evidenced by this van I discovered on my travels this week, is also something of a pervert:

What do you think happens with Steven Stamkos? – @radmoodle

The million dollar question. There’s a line from Macbeth (that gave rise to one of the most famous book titles in American literature) that comes to mind when I consider the Stamkos contract situation: it’s a bunch of sound and fury signifying nothing. I think Stamkos signs with Tampa.

As always, thank you very much for your questions and for reading! If you’d like to submit a question for next week, make sure you tweet with the hashtag #BSNMailbag or email BSNAvalanche@gmail.com!

(As always, questions that cannot be reproduced in at least a semi family friendly fashion may or may not make it through.)