Colorado Rockies Festivus 2015

Today is special, the eve of Christmas Eve. No, not because of Christmas, but because of the secular holiday of Festivus.

For those of you unfamiliar with Festivus it is a holiday that is celebrated today (December, 23). This holiday is a replacement for whichever holiday you celebrate during the festive season. Festivus does not have the commercialism or pressure around it that the other holidays do. It has been made famous by the classic TV show Seinfeld.

The holiday made its starring role in the Seinfeld episode “The Strike” in 1997. Scriptwriter Dan O’Keefe took a strange family tradition and turned it into a cult classic and thus the secular holiday was born.

We learn of the holiday’s origins when Kramer, regarding the holiday, asks Frank Costanza about how the tradition started.

“Many Christmases ago I went to buy a doll for my son,” Frank says. “I reached for the last one they had so did another man, as I rained blows upon him I realized there had to be another way!”

“What happened to the doll?” Kramer asked

Frank responded, “It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born, a Festivus for the rest of us!”

The traditions of Festivus center around a meal which is used to celebrate the holiday. At the dinner, two customs are practiced. The first being the airing of grievances, the second being the feats of strength. The airing of grievances begins when the dinner is served, the dinner group lashes out at each other and at the world and explains how they have been disappointed over the past year. While the feats of strength are the final tradition observed during Festivus. This takes place after the food has been eaten. During the feats of strength the head of the household chooses a person at the dinner table and challenges them to a wrestling match. Festivus cannot be declared over until the challenger pins the head of the household. This, of course, all takes place under the shadow of the plain aluminum pole (the Festivus Pole). The Festivus Pole is made from aluminum because of its “very high strength to weight ratio,” and it’s undecorated because “tinsel is distracting.”

Now is when we reach Rockies Festivus the holiday for the rest of us. And the Rockies are the rest of us, they aren’t the Dodgers or the Yankees or even the Royals, they’re the Rockies, just the same old Rockies.

It’s not only “the rest of us” motto that have the Rockies fitting in with Festivus. The Rockies often make Festivus miracles come to life. Just like how they signed Daniel Descalso last offseason, Mark Reynolds is too a Festivus Miracle! The acquisition of Yency Almonte, a Festivus Miracle! Or even the addition of Antonio Senzatela to the 40 man roster, a major Festivus Miracle!

Now we get to the airing of grievances which there could be many this year. First for many fans on this list is how could you trade Troy Tulowitzki the team’s star. Second could be, how come you haven’t traded Carlos Gonzalez for pitching. The third is another year, another year with no pitching. Most of all I think Rockies fans want to tell team owner Dick Monfort that, “his company stinks!” Another complaint is why in the world did the Rockies sign Kyle Kendrick, he “couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if he had a hot date with a babe – I lost my train of thought.”

Now we wrap up the dinner with Festivus’ feats of strength. Festivus will not be declared over until the head of the household, in the Rockies case, the Dodgers, get pinned. Why the Dodgers? Well, the Dodgers keep winning NL West in 2014. Why the Rockies? Because that’s who you are fans of and what difference does it make to you if the Dodgers or Giants win the West? All you really care about is the Rockies winning the West. George pinning Frank Costanza is one level of a Festivus feat of strength but the Rockies winning the NL West would be a true Festivus feat of strength.

Well, that’s going to wrap up this article about nothing, too bad for us Rockies followers we have to a follow a team that does, well, nothing. Happy Festivus to all of our BSN Rockies readers. Maybe 2016 will be better than 2015, but it seems we have already started to compile our 2016 list of Grievances to air next year. At any rate, “I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!”